resurrecting

My scanner has been acting up a bit, thus the lack of scans, but I think we are back in business. The past few months have been filled with a lot of new beginnings and new friendships, really abrupt endings, some of the most terrible news of my life, and some amazing news. At the beginning of the new year almost everyone I knew expressed that this is "The Year", whatever that means to them. I feel it, too. A lot of people have walked out in the past year, but I am so grateful for the people who continue to stay and watch me navigate through everything that has been unfolding as I watch them do the same. However, I find the most inspiration from the absence of the ones that chose to leave. The wanting or the weirdness or the questions or the anger. It sounds like uber lame, but these are the moments when I feel the most adult. I can see personal growth in the ability to let people leave, call out and deal with whatever I'm feeling, but not let it wreck me completely. 

I do feel raw, though, after having to shave down the feelings and trust that I build around people over and over again. 

Anyway.  

Tania's mysterious booty print behind the usual late night coffee spot.

Andrew. We used to live in a one bedroom behind the El Rey with another boy, one cat, a dog, and a turtle. I miss walking into the living room with Pokemon on the tv and him waving cigarette smoke out our fourth story window.

The Lovely Bad things at The Smell.

I made a friend, Morgan, at the LA Zine Fest. We made a comic together about our biggest weirdest fears. They included Leonardo DiCaprio's death, running into exes, eating spiders in your sleep, clogging toilets in public. The usual.

Messing around at Kit Kraft.

Probably one of my top ten favorite pictures I've taken ever.

A lot of pictures that I took in February/March are really good.

They're just kind of hard for me to look at.

The tiniest new coffee spot. 

I took this on their opening day.

I took two so they could keep one.

I like giving these to nice strangers.

Happy Easter.

testing 1,2,3

A mini docu-movie is in the works for my trip next month and I have been playing around with some ideas for it. Here's a video documenting my day yesterday using 2 second clips. I was surprised at how much I enjoyed the editing process and thinking of ways to tie things together. I am so lucky to have friends that support me in every random creative adventure that I undertake. This video gives you a peek at only a handful of them. I wish the quality was better. I think the best way to view it is on the actual youtube page or on a smartphone (sideways) cause its pretty tiny here. I hope you enjoy.

until you prove me wrong

Oh, to not know what you want, but to know exactly what you don't want. 

I leave your books unread,

Your mouth un-kissed,

Your bed can stay unmade.

I've stepped too easily

Into possibilities.

Is it wrong that I want more?

I wonder as I shut the door.

rainy mood miranda

Last night I started burning holes into my clothes and had to have the lighter taken out of my hands like a child.

Today I woke up in an armchair with my shoes still on.

As I drove back home at 6 am, I considered passing my house and driving until I ran out of gas.

I pulled into my driveway instead, fed the cats, and crawled into bed.

I looped my finger through the new hole in my favorite tights and sighed into sleep for six more hours.

I heaved myself off my mattress for a breakfast burrito with Tania and drove in the rain to restorative yoga with Keely later on.

She said it would be good for me.

As I let my body get heavy on the mat, the sound of the water splashing and the cars driving through it made me picture the room breaking off from the ground and floating away into the ocean.

An ark full of flexible women in expensive stretchy pants.

I lived in this imaginary scenario for a while and I could feel myself rocking.

And then I started thinking about how, as we get older, we don't allow ourselves to pretend.

It bummed me out until I promised myself I would never be that kind of adult.

In the middle of class the instructor read a quote from the Velveteen Rabbit.

"'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.” 

Keely was right.

faces come out in the rain

As individuals, there are sights and sounds and smells that trigger us. The sight of a man walking by in a leather jacket and blue L.A. hat once sent me into a two day melt down. I know the exact smell that reminds me of every single boy I've ever been with. And there is a specific time on the clock that I look at on accident almost every single day that sends a chill down my spine.

All of the above are old fixations that will probably never leave me.

But I found a new one. It is a word that, only beginning this year, that others have used to describe me.

"Strange."

However it is said, it sticks with me for days on end, echoing to the point where even the word itself is... strange.

Even the definition of the word outright says whether this trait is inherently good or bad.

strange |strānj|adjective1 unusual or surprising in a way that is unsettling or hard to understand:children have some strange ideas | he's a very strange man | [ with clause ] : it is strange how things change.2 not previously visited, seen, or encountered; unfamiliar or alien: she found herself in bed in a strange place | a harsh accent that was strange to his ears.• [ predic. ] (strange to/at/in) archaic unaccustomed to or unfamiliar with: I am strange to the work.3 Physics having a nonzero value for strangeness.

This word has been thrown at me half-endearingly, out of frustration and then, this week, out of anger. To me, for some reason this word feels like an old-fashioned way of saying "fucking weird" and each time it has been used on me I have felt an intense emotional response that I can't even begin to explain. It makes me want to defend myself immediately. 

But then it makes me proud in a twisted way.

Cause really, when I think about it, that's the life I want. Anything worth living for should be unusual and challenging and new. It's only an insult when you realize that everyone is raised and wired to strive for convention. And with the residue of Valentine's Day wearing off, I realize I want one thing more than anything.

I want my next love to be a strange one.

Listen to the playlist here.

lurk hard

You can now keep updated on stuff and things by following the blog's Instagram, @goldteethblog.

remnants

A photo posted by gold-teeth (@goldteethblog) on Feb 6, 2015 at 1:51pm PST

L.A. Zine Fest

I can't promise it might not be awkward at first or that I won't try to make you draw strictly aliens, but here's a cool chance to meet yours truly. I will be doodling in a booth with the Women's Center for Creative Work from 1-3pm at the L.A. Zine Fest.

Come out and support your favorite DIY artists and draw weird stuff with me!

womenscenterforcreativework.com

lazinefest.com