free write

With trepidation, I should admit that what I am about to say about having a personal blog could be a side-effect of getting older. Lately, I've been reflecting a lot about what privacy means to me. It would be naive to assume that everyone who is reading this right now cares about the things I say. It would be naive to assume that potential employers, mates, etc. haven't browsed through this to make educated guesses about me as a person.

Side note: If this is the case, I am awesome and the best (insert thing you are considering me for as long as it is not super weird) you'll ever have so you can stop reading this thanks.

Anyway, It would be especially naive to assume that the people who like me the least are not the ones reading this the most. And I know I have already hurt a handful of people being as brutally honest about certain situations. One man's artistic integrity is another man's "Hey, did you really mean it when you wrote…"

And so it goes.

As the blog views round up into numbers that take me a few tries to say out loud (because I might have numeric dyslexia), I realize that even though it feels like it, I'm not just typing letters into air anymore. On one hand, it's amazing and liberating and fulfills that part of me that wants to be like an "alt" Carrie Bradshaw but with like a touch of Tina from Bob's Burgers. On the other, it's terrifying and a bit confusing why I have a reader from India whom I know specifically read the post where I took a bath and got grossed out by my own "butt-water".

(Hire me. Date me.)

By the way, if you're the reader from India- I want to be your friend and I'm sorry if this embarrassed you but it sounds really cool to say I have a reader in India, so keep reading. Seriously, धन्यवाद!

As much as I want to write about the people and the things that break my heart, I shouldn't.
As much as I want to write using cuss words about things that are pointless, I shouldn't.
As much as I shouldn't want to share the insane, brilliant, haunting, sexy, ugly, funny events of my life

I will continue to try.

Maybe with just a little more grace (and maybe like a cool-slash-intriguing, patchouli-scented mystery vibe (?) I dunno, I'll let you know how this goes (am I allowed to do this within a parenthesis?) Do you think this is how Sunn0))) got their name? I'm leaving this here so I remember to Google it later).

Because, for once, I have started something I don't feel like quitting (and it's really taking everything out of me right now to not quote Jack Twist from Brokeback Mountain and completely ruin this post so just ignore this part if you didn't hear the line in your head when you read the beginning of this sentence).

Okay, but seriously.

Grace.

Let's do this.